It never used to hurt this bad. I’ve done it so many times. I’d simply cut along the guidelines I made last time, it was no big deal. But now, now I’m on my way to the hospital, my eyes are shut tightly. My hands grip the sides of my head, and I’m screaming. No sound emerges from my lips. I rock back and forth, fingernails scratching at my scalp. I scream, I cry out at the top of my lungs, but no sound ever echoes through the ambulance.
Everyone had tried to get me to stay on the stretcher but I had kicked and screamed. They didn’t dare mess with me, I’d had a knife then. I settled yourself in the corner of the ambulance, staying quiet for a few minutes as I hugged myself tightly.
I didn’t understand it, why it hurts so much more this time. It hurts, I can barely breathe, and I don’t know why, it confuses I, but I want to do it again and again-
It hits me, it hits me so hard I fucking sob and make everyone in the ambulance look at me. I close your eyes tighter, tears stream down my face. I realize now,
I know why it hurt so badly. Mari.... Maria... I thought you said… He’d caught me before, I’d seen his face before, but this time… He looked so hurt, so broken, it tore me apart. It was his face, his reaction to me cutting my arm open again… It brought me crashing. I don’t want to see his face ever again, I can’t look at him, not like this, not in this state. I don’t want to see the shame, I don’t want to see the hurt on his face.
When I finally look up, I realize I’m at the hospital, and I’ve probably been there for hours. But no one dared move me, tell me, try to wake me from my nightmare. Everyone in the ambulance is watching me, almost scared, but all I do is scream again. I don’t hear any sound ,any echo, and it scares me, it creeps the fuck out of me, so I run. I jump from the back of the ambulance, towards the hospital, because maybe I can die there, maybe I’ll die in the hospital and I’ll never have to look at him again…
I run into something warm and soft, but before I can move anywhere, a pair of arms wrap protectively around my shoulders and that’s it. I know it’s him, but I can’t look up. I know it’s him, I collapse in his arms and sob. I know it’s him, and I’ve never been happier.